Another Brilliant Plan
by Meretricious-221
Summary: Nothing can stop a Wooster from helping the one in need, especially if that's Jeeves
1. Chapter 1

*** 1 ****

\- Tuppy's in the soup again, Jeeves, - I said ensconcing myself in the Chesterfield.

\- Not an uncommon situation, sir.

\- He himself insists he's in love, but every sensible person would call it the ugliest bouillabaisse a chap can get into.

\- Most deplorable, sir.

\- I should even stop asking myself where and when he comes across those fillies. His last victim is from the chorus line.

I reached for a gasper. The fire was instantly provided, and I went on.

\- Mind you, he's still engaged to Constance, and not two months ago it was that ginger-haired girlie from the cafe. You know, mixing a brandy and soda would be very welcome.

\- Certainly, sir.

\- What was I saying? - I asked half a minute later.

\- You were speaking of Mr Glossop's most regrettable carelessness, sir.

\- Precisely, Jeeves. I mean with him being my friend and all, I can't but question myself why the fathers of Britain have not yet started a society of offended dads and given him a good clip round the ear?

\- Their actions could be justified by court's decision, sir.

\- I mean, how can one be so flippant and switch so easily from one beazel to another? And even have the cheek to tell all and sundry about their miserable affairs!

\- Keats wrote, sir, that heard melodies are sweet, but those unheard are sweeter.

\- Dashed true, Jeeves. You for one wouldn't be telling every chap in your club about your love affairs, what?

\- I tend to agree, sir. This would be utterly unreasonable.

That gave my train of thought a new direction.

\- I wager you must have a story to tell though.

\- I'd insist it's not something worth your attention, sir.

\- Alright, old fruit. I'm not prying, I just wanted to say it's a bit disgusting being that swift with fillies, don't you find? Devalidates... Devalues your feelings in a way.

\- I must say your observations are most correct, sir.

\- You wouldn't trasfer from one to another that easily, would you?

I was going to hear another 'Indeed, sir', but I was rewarded with something unexpected.

\- My affections have been the same for the past few years, and I would feel completely disinclined to change them, sir.

\- Well... You mean you're in love, old chap?

\- Quite, sir. The word describes it.

\- That cook, isn't it?

\- I'm afraid you're mistaken, sir.

\- Then has to be the waitress.

\- No, sir, and I'd object to being asked any further questions on the matter if I may.

\- Yes you may, of course you may! But that's bally rummy, Jeeves. When one finds out his valet has been in relationship for a few years!

\- There's no relationship to speak of, sir, and most possibly there will never be.

\- Why on earth? Did she not reciprocate?

\- They didn't have this opportunity, sir, for nothing has been revealed.

\- That's dashed odd, I'd say. Why don't you tell her?

\- I assure you, sir, I'm quite satisfied with what I have and would hate to impose anything on them.

\- That's just ridiculous! Are you afraid of being, you know, spurned?

\- I'm convinced of this turn of events should I take any measures, sir.

\- Well, I say! You've got nerves of steel, that's the word. I mean, this must be dashed difficult, through the years... - I shuddered. - Hope you don't see this bird too often, because that would, you know, hurt your feelings, what? - I tried to expess the pity I felt for the miserable old fruit and clicked my tongue.

\- I'm afraid our encounters are inevitable, sir.

He was still pottering about the room, which was rather rummy given the dramatic conversation.

\- Too bad, Jeeves. This sitch must make you, make you, well, suffer. - I said in my most sympathetic voice.

\- I really don't know, sir.

\- Well, of course it bally does! See here, Jeeves. You can trust me with your affairs concerning any beazels in the metrop for I seem to have more experience than you do. Don't forget I've been engaged and what not.

\- Mostly involuntarily, sir, if I may observe.

\- That's the point, but if I find someone decent I'll have no hesitation on my mind!

He looked as though thinking I rarely had much on my mind generally but just stuck with his usual 'Very well, sir'.

\- I swear to you Jeeves, when I meet a doable filly you'll see the young master won't falter a jot.

By this I wanted to encourage him, but the effect was quite the opposite, if one can judge by a sudden twitch of a brow. And one definitely can, after all these sartorial disagreements.

\- Yes, that's the point. I'm not married because I don't want to, but when I find, you know, that special one, I'll get engaged in no time, the wedding bells will ring and in a trice there'll be a house full of children's voices.

I must admit, I shivered visualising this picture, but went on.

\- What I'm trying to say is even me, not the brightest and the most handsome chap...

\- I beg to differ, sir.

\- Oh come off it, as if it wasn't you calling me mentally negligible!

\- Sir, I...

\- Don't interrupt when I'm talking, Jeeves! And what was I talking about? Yes, even I'd know what to do if I were you, and you being the smartest of all valets fear to approach a girl. Fairly absurd, that's what I call it! Alright, she may be mentally negligible just like me and not return your feelings but...

\- One would say it's not a very common thing to concern oneself with one's personal gentleman's personal affairs, sir.

\- Golly, Jeeves, don't interrupt, where's all your feudal spirit gone? I'm trying to sort out your personal affairs.

With much vigour I took another gasper, which Jeeves ignited.

\- I highly doubt you could help there, sir, with all due respect.

\- What you bally need is a piece of good advice.

\- If you say so, sir.

I tried to sound profound and to give more meaning to my words started swinging the cigarette.

\- If you're positive that what you feel will be unrequited then just drop her! You'll be amazed to see how many nice girls...

\- I'm completely aware of that fact, sir.

\- Have you tried dating another?

\- I'm afraid it proved to be to no purpose in my specific case, sir.

I clicked my tongue again to show I was sorry for the poor lad.

\- She must be very special, right, Jeeves?

\- I'm thouroughly convinced of that, sir. One might even use the term 'irreplaceable'.

\- Well, you got me interested, Jeeves. Can I ever see her because, I'm repeating myself, but I may be of help? You know, giving her some hint of what a paragon you are and all that.

\- You are too kind, sir, but I would be most grateful if we dismissed this particular subject, and I'd appreciate even more if you never returned to it and never tried to find out who the person in question is.

\- Right ho. - I said and gave him a reassuring smile.

He didn't know I kept my fingers crossed behind my back.


	2. Chapter 2

*** 2 ****

The next few days showed that I'd done the right thing crossing those two digits because it was dashed hard to take my mind off these new facts I'd learnt about Jeeves. Surely I realised full well I was about to trespass into some area marked with red flags all around the perimeter and the Code of the Woosters would not allow such prying, but my interest was morally justified: it was a mixture of curiosity, wish to repay Jeeves for all the good things he'd done for me, desire to prove him I'm not so feckless as many thought and something else which I failed to give a name. So it didn't take yours truly long to persuade myself I was not merely curious but lending a hand to the one in need. I even managed to convince myself that I was up to a noble deed, if you understand my meaning.

And I started brooding over the matter. To lend said h. one should know the details, at least the person in question. Normally in such a sitch I would just consult Jeeves, but this was not the case, even I understood that. Another option was talking to some old chap from the Drones, because, you know, one head is good, but one and a half is better. But this would be definitely positively indiscreet. While I was well responsible for my own actions, who could vouch for those bird-brained coves from the club? They break their promises with staggering ease and cannot be relied on. So I was left to my own devices. It was a challenge, that's the word! Jeeves had told me thus much for one simple reason: he was sure of y. m.'s feeble detective or intellectual skills and knew I'd never make head or tail from what had been said. Well, I'd surprise him. I had been so excellent at killing my own potential relationships, why not try to help somebody build one? I imagined how thankful and impressed Jeeves would be when I found out who his love interest was and succeeded in bringing these two bleeding hearts together. This helped me get away from the nasty feeling telling me what Jeeves would say if he read my mind and other unpleasant things, for example that I and Aunt Agatha might have more in common than I had imagined before.

There were two main directions which I could follow, two thick arrows on that plan of mine. This looked pretty much like a battle map and I got really excited, just the way Spode does when talking about this country's future. First, I had to try to find out who the girl was and. Second, meanwhile prepare Jeeves for a proper declaration. So full of dignity and self-whatsit as he was, costantly helping me out with my affairs, he somehow managed to be irresolute in his own delicate matters. How could he be positive that he would get rejected? Did he feel undesired? Preposterous, that's what I call it. My obvious aim was to convince the poor chappie otherwise. I decided to compliment him occasionally in order to inspire the old egg a bit. Simply because he of all people deserved every good word of the English language, he dashed well did.

I boldly started the next morning. When I woke up and was rewarded with a cup of morning Darjeeling, I cast a glance at Jeeves thinking which feature to compliment. Perhaps, it was time to tell him he had a nice exclusionally noble profile? No, that would sound terribly idiotic. So, I just said in the most hearty way:

\- The tea is bally perfect, Jeeves.

Then I suddenly uttered what I never meant to say:

\- Cannot really imagine how I'll get through without your tea when you're gone.

\- Do you wish to terminate my employment, sir? - he asked in a very calm voice.

\- Of course not, if it depended on me, you'd stay here forever. But one day, you know, the the church bells will peal out for you, - and I gave him a wink.

\- I was under the impression, sir, that we had agreed to leave this topic.

He looked into my eyes rather pressingly as if knowing about the fingers business.

\- Sure, old thing. Lips are sealed, what?

\- Very good, sir. I'd be obliged if they remained that way.

\- You can rely on a Wooster's word more than on anything in this strange world.

\- I never doubted that, sir, - and he oiled out of the room.

Well, losing a battle is not losing a war, one if those clever men said, Napoleon or Alexander the Great. Anyway he was a bright chap to make such a profound remark.

I still had something up my sleeve: plan B (which technically speaking was plan A): find out who the blasted beazel was and possibly scold her for not reciprocating his precious feelings.

Because only then did I become more watchful when it concerned my valet. Before I had always been too busy with my own affairs, and then Jeeves would just pop out like a genie and everything would get solved. He was doing everything with such amazing ease, and it had never occured to yours truly to wonder: what was going on in his mind? It certainly couldn't be totally occupied with making tea and sorting out my problems. I used to think it had something to do with Spinoza and all those German philosophers with ungodly dreadful names. But now that I knew there was more beneath this unruffled surface of indeedsirs, I started to discern the shades. I couldn't but notice that though Jeeves was extremely polite at all times, there were days when he sounded sort of downhearted.

I started to have a bit hateful feelings towards that filly. The dashed girl was really making him suffer. It was a cruel thing to get him to go through that for years. I say, this heart deserved much more than being thrown away and downtrodden.


	3. Chapter 3

***3****

The next day I woke up eager to give the sunny disposish to the world. The weather according to my man was splendid, he informed me of that remarkable for early April fact in his usual nonchalant tone. But I decided I could discern a certain sadness in his words. Moping about, pining over and what have you thanks to the mysterious stranger.

\- You don't sound too cheerful, Jeeves, - I said sipping at a cup of impeccable Darjeeling.

\- I'm afraid I don't quite understand you, sir, - he replied in his imperturbable manner, putting some unimportant trifles in their places. Was he never tired of that?

\- I say, what one needs is fresh impressions.

\- Quite reasonable, sir.

\- You see, this is exactly what we need, say, hying to Italy or Greece where the sky's always blue unlike dear Old Blighty.

\- Shall I see for the tickets, sir?

\- Well, yes, I mean, no. I'm trying to say, not right now. Before that I need to sort out one thingummy, - I said meaningfully, - and then we shall set sail.

\- How long is this supposed to take you, sir, if I may ask?

\- Of course, you may, Jeeves. Well, it depends. Can't be positive for now, but trust me, I'll give it my best shot.

\- Sounds most reassuring, sir, - he said as if in his deepest doubt. - Will you summon my assistance?

\- No, thanks for offering, but no, old fruit. I'll attend to that on my own.

\- Very good, sir, - he said evenly, but for a fraction of a second I caught what I took for an enquiring glimps, but it was instantly gone.

While brushing my teeth and later, over breakfast, I couldn't help smiling. I even sat at the piano and played a nice cheerful song I'd heard a few nights before.

\- Do you agree that's just brilliant, Jeeves? It is a completely new concept of music.

\- My thoughts precisely, sir.

While my fingers were flying over the keyboard I was thinking of the best course of action which suggested itself quite easily. Find the girl, tell her how lucky she was and persuade her to reciprocate, then finally sail to Italy or Greece. With Jeeves of course. But at that exact mo I started to worry. What if he didn't want to remain in my employment? What if he preferred to be preoccupied with his future family instead of yours truly? From what I gathered having a wife requires an outrageous amount of time. Even if he elected to stay with me it'd all be different. He wouldn't be able to dedicate all his time and vigour to solving my convoluted affairs, and I'd have to learn to fend for myself! That very thought made me quake. What if he divulged some of my secrets to his future missus? I'd hate him to discuss the y. m. with some cussed beazel! No, he could not be that low. But he wouldn't be spending the nights in this flat, most probably taking any chance to biff off to his beloved. Well, if that was what he wanted I'd give that to him. If he chose some humdrum waitress over me, let it be so. No one can say I'm not generous.

I have to admit, I darted a few rather accusing glances at Jeeves. That was bally unsporting, after all. His being that glum because he wanted, but couldn't sever himself from me, I mean. Where had his feudal spirit gone?

\- I beg your pardon, sir?

I realised I had pronounced the last phrase and could not think of anything better than repeating it.

\- I say, Jeeves, does the feudal spirit fly out of the window when love affairs are concerned?

He gave me a cautious look.

\- I really cannot say, sir.

The dashed awkward ensuing pause was thankfully broken by a telephone ring.

\- Mister Wooster's residence. Good morning, Mrs Gregson.

As if my mood hadn't been spoilt enough!

\- I'm afraid he's not in at the moment, madam, - he said while I was pulling terrible faces. - Certainly I shall inform him immediately.

\- This was Mrs Gregson, - he imparted the news to me after hanging up the receiver.

\- Oh, was it? - I tried my best to sound sarcastic, but that seemed to make no impression on him.

\- She desires you to pay her a visit this afternoon, sir.

\- Oh, dash it! I'll call on her later, say, after dinner or tomorrow or never.

\- I'm afraid that wouldn't be suitable, sir. She mentioned this was an urgent affair.

\- Well, all her ridiculous affairs seem urgent, don't they? Right then, we'll put our heads in the lion's mouth right now, and let's hope that won't take too long.

\- I must also add, sir, she kindly mentioned my presence was not expected.

\- Dashed rummy, I'd say. But, well, this can't be helped. At least you'll be saved from her company.

\- Indeed, sir.

On my way to the fearful old relation it suddenly occurred to me I'd have to learn to get my way through life's hardships and aunts when there was no Jeeves by my side. A rather sombre thought, what?


	4. Chapter 4

*** 4 ****

\- What ho, Aunt Agatha! - I tried to put up a lightheaded smile and failed, judging by her words.

\- Shall I live long enough to witness the day you start greeting people in a decent manner that doesn't make one regret being related to you?

I cracked another pitiful smile and started assuring her she would live long enough to witness all the wonders of the world.

\- I doubt it, - she said stubbornly and gravely interrupting my prattling.

The lunch was being served but I dared not eat under that heavy, accusing gaze of hers. Not that I wasn't hungry, all traces of appetite simply vanished in her presence. I started to think that she could make a fortune off of those who knock themselves out with all these diets. Just share a meal with Aunt Agatha, and the very idea of devouring anything having a pair of those menacing eyes in front of you will appear most disturbing. Even her photo nailed properly above the dining table would work a miracle.

\- I have been seeing my doctor recently, - she added sourly.

\- Oh really? How's he doing, old man? - I asked trying to sound interested.

\- Everything must have its limits, even your foolishness, young blot! We've been discussing my health and not his affairs!

\- Right ho.

\- Stop right hoing to me, you miserable youth. Even talking to a parrot would make more sense. I'm dying.

\- You mean dying to do something, like marrying people off or...

\- No, this will have no limits! I'm one foot in the grave, you fool! You must be happy to know your aunt will never recover...

\- Good heaven, of course not!

\- And she will soon stop torturing you with her advice keeping in mind only your happiness. She will shuffle off this mortal coil...

\- Don't say so, Aunt Agatha! You know, well, I say, have you consulted another doctor?

\- The whole Harley street, - she uttered solemnly.

\- I say, well, this is so sad, well, yes, - I mumbled not knowing how to express my feelings.

\- Eloquent as ever, Bertie, - she sighed and then looked at me with such tender patience that you would in no time believe she was seriously ill. I would never describe a normal Aunt Agatha as 'tender' or 'patient', yet there it is.

I had long before arrived at the notion I hated Aunt Agatha, but at that precise point I realised I might even somehow miss her, in a very strange way, of course.

\- I just wanted to let you know the news, Bertie. You should know there's something I want you to inherit: some stocks, bonds... Going by you silly face, you can't tell the difference between these.

\- Don't you say so, stop! I don't want to hear about your last will and what's it. You're so full of life!

\- Within a matter of three months I'll be buried and soon forgotten by you, Bertie.

I tried to persuade her otherwise. Bally sad is what I mean, losing an aunt like this! She'd done so much for me. I failed to remember what it was but she had had to. She was my closest relative, what?

\- Is there anything I could do for you, old relative? - I enquired apologetically.

\- Oddly enough, there is, - she agreed rather promptly, - before Death carries me away I want to rest assured I've done all I could to fix your pointless spineless hopeless life.

\- You've done more than that, - I rushed to assure her.

\- This time it's different, you dolt. It's not a whim, for goodness' sake! If your cheeky soul has any respect for your soon-to-be-late aunt, you will put all your vim into it and won't let this manservant intervene.

\- Jeeves never does intervene!

\- Don't lie to a dying woman, Bertram, this is most loathsome. We all know perfectly well you'd have married long ago if it hadn't been for this lad. Promise me that this time he will not meddle in.

\- Meddle in what exactly? - I asked, not too curious though.

\- Your future marriage, of course!

My heart sank like the Titanic. But one cannot just argue or hurl abuses at a dying aunt, what?

\- She's a daughter of an old friend of mine.

\- Speaks for itself, - I shuddered. - And the girl's name, if I may enquire?..

\- You may, Bertram, certainly you may. Cecilia, Cecilia McToppy.

\- Well, that's a Mc-topping name, - I mumbled and that was the first time Aunt Agatha gave me a smile, a very feeble one, all things considered.

\- You'll be very happy together, my boy.

\- But she might dislike me, - I said dully trying not to hold out too much hope.

\- She already likes you, young wastrel. I've been telling her the nicest unblushing lies about you, so please put your best foot forward to prove I was right. This girl is a treasure, Bertie, and one day you'll understand your aunt's only desire has only been your happiness. You will put pristine white roses on her grave and whisper 'Thank you', but there'll be no answer...

That was too much for the Wooster onion. It felt like the walls were closing in. I hastily said goodbye, kissed Aunt Agatha's cheek and legged it.


	5. Chapter 5

***5****

\- What ho, Jeeves, - I said half-heartedly on entering the flat.

\- Good afternoon, sir. I trust that Mrs Gregson is in good health and your conversation was a pleasant one?

\- Neither, - I gave a deep sigh. - And there are fresh tidings. Jeeves, young master is getting married.

\- Again? Very good, sir, - was the usual answer. - Are you positive about that, sir?

\- Dashed positive, and this time I won't let you interfere with it.

\- I was working under the assumption my interference was most welcome in the erstwhile cases, sir.

\- Yes, sorry. I didn't mean to offend you, old chap. But this time it's a different story, she's dying, Jeeves.

\- Are you referring to the young lady, sir?

\- Of course not! What's the point of dallying with a dying girl?

\- Literature knows such examples, sir. 'The Lady of the Camellias' springs to mind.

\- Well, I never understood why this Armand chap fell for that gal. I always, you know, suspected she was simply manipulating him, being so feeble and hurt. Not very sporting if you ask me.

\- That's a matter of opinion, sir.

\- As to me, I'm not the type of man to be easily manipulated, what?

\- Certainly you are not, sir, - he said mildly. - So who were you referring to, sir?

\- I was bally referring to my Aunt Agatha. This is sort of, you know, her last will if you know what I mean.

\- My deepest condolences, sir.

\- You sound as if you didn't believe it, Jeeves.

\- I'm not in a position to express any doubt concerning Mrs Gregson's words, sir.

\- And don't you want to know the young lady's name?

\- I have a burning interest in that, sir, - he said rather impassively.

\- A certain Miss Cecilia McToppy, sounds Mc-topping, don't you think?

\- Indeed it does, sir.

\- I'm meeting her tomorrow in Bumpleigh Hall, should be staying there a couple of days or so, - I waved a hand hoping to sound enthusiastic which appeared quite difficult for some reason.

\- Shall I start packing our suitcases, sir?

\- No, just mine. In fact, you see, Jeeves, you're staying home.

\- I take it, that is also your aunt's wish, sir?

\- Dash it, Jeeves! Don't make it sound like I'm swayed by my old relative. It's just because I can bally well manage dealing with a filly without your help.

\- If you say so, sir.

And in a trice he was gone. The emptiness of the room started to get on my nerves, and I biffed off to the Drones.

Once I left the flat I realised I didn't feel up to seeing any of the lads from the club. So I just opted for taking a short stroll. Many thoughts were swarming in my head, and I hoped, some fresh air would help me put the above t. in the Wooster bean in order. Aunt Agatha was dying, how was that even possible? I say, she was not the sort of person who just 'passes away' peacefully and all that. I used to think she could survive any disaster, any great war, being a trigger for which to boot. Then the Cecilia girl whom I was doomed to marry, what were the odds she was not horrible? Nigh-zero, what? And still I couldn't get Jeeves out of my mind. He didn't approve of this marriage plan, and the obvious reason was that it reminded him of his own loneliness. I was no expert in this individual's psychology thigummy, but it was clear as day. But I'd show Jeeves y. m. hadn't forgotten in his selfishness about him. Find the blasted girl and tell her about his feelings, that was the way I was about to act. We Woosters never lack courage although may be weakish in other - very few! - ways. The crux was, I couldn't just run about the metrop asking all and sundry who that enigmatic irreplaceable girlie was. But wait! An idea struck me so suddenly I caught my foot on the kerb and almost fell. He mentioned they had to meet on a regular basis, that was the clue. I passed another several hours calling at all the stores Jeeves had to visit often enough because he said the encounters were inevitable, what? The girl selling flowers in the street was fat. The one at the butcher's smelt of blood and had a spotty face, the one at the greengrocer's was twice his age and the waitresses at the taproom he frequented seemed too frivolous. The more I talked to them, the more I felt I was somehow missing the point, all those beazels simply weren't the case. I say, none of them could be considered impossible or irreplaceable. Golly, they just didn't deserve him! There had to be someone special.

Then a sudden brilliant idea flashed across my mind, which almost caused another falling off the kerb. What if she belonged to the upper class? This pretty much would explain everything! A man who's made decorum his middle name would find this hurdle all too high to overstep. I remembered his adamant unwillingness to discuss whether love could conquer the feudal spirit. Now it all started to make sense! I hurried back home.


	6. Chapter 6

*** 6 ****

\- What ho, Jeeves, - I ejaculated, rushing into the flat.- Brendy and soda, I'm dying for a drink, - I thought he didn't appreciate my choice of words, probably thinking there were too many dying people in the Wooster family.

\- Did you enjoy the evening in your club, sir?

\- Oh, rather. I mean, I wasn't there, had some other things to do. See here, Jeeves, this time I'll be your guardian angel, - I announced solemnly.

\- Sounds most promising, sir.

\- You know I'm getting married, that's decided, in fact consider it done.

\- If you say so, sir.

\- You do sound sad, old thing, and I bally well know why.

\- I must assure you, sir, your surmise is definitely wrong. I couldn't describe my current state of mind as sadness.

\- Oh come, Jeeves. You think that even your silly young master has found a match, and you'll be forever alone, so let me tell you this. When I get attached to my ball and chain I want you to be happy because, I mean, you of all people I know deserve it jolly well, family bliss, you know.

\- This makes one question if you have been spending too much time in Miss Madeline Bassett's company, sir. Your turns of phrase reminded me of this lady. More importantly, I had a feeling we had reached a certain understanding on the matter, sir.

But I couldn't fall for that red herring once I was on the right track. He was just heading for the door when I said:

\- This bird, she's impossible for you because of these stupid barriers between social classes?

He turned back to me, but remained silent. This was so uncharacteristic of him that it alone proved I had been right. - She regards you as a valet and nothing more?

\- Sir, I believe this conversation is leading us nowhere.

\- Quite the opposite, old chap, quite the opposite. Just let me know who she is, and I'll get it sorted out in the blinking of an eye!

\- You mean, in the twinkling of an eye, sir?

\- Whatever it is. By Jove, Jeeves, you should stop being that mulish and let me give you a hand. Do tell me if she belongs to the upper crust, - I demanded.

After a while he carefully nodded.

\- Your supposition is correct, sir, but...

\- No buts, man. And you were so reluctant to let me know? I say, I still feel quite sanguinary about this business.

\- Perhaps, the word you wanted was 'sanguine', sir.

\- Possibly, Jeeves, possibly. I mean, my uncle married a barmaid, and I welcomed that. Why the dickens should I raise an objection in your case? Whatever makes you happy, what?

By that time he somehow had got rather pipped (well, in his own dignified way), though I had not the slightest idea what precisely had got him into that mood.

\- Another uncle of yours got into breeding rabbits, and you raised no objection either, sir. What is tolerable for an elderly person and might be regarded as a queer fancy doesn't suit a young gentleman or a lady.

\- What? I mean, it does make certain sense, but what are you getting at?

\- You yourself, sir, would never court or marry a maidservant.

\- Well, - I pondered over that for a while, remembering all the housemaids I knew, - No, Jeeves, that's ridiculous, no servants, - I shook my head with a chuckle.

If my words stung him, it didn't show. But on second or third thought I decided this had not been the brightest thing to say. Definitely not preux.

\- I say, you know. Don't you know? Look here, me is me. And I'm marrying Cecilia. Yes, sweet dear Cecilia, what's her family name, McCorking?

\- McToppy, sir.

\- Why, thank you, Jeeves. Exactly. But the person in question could think just the other way round. She might find you worth jumping over all these blasted barriers.

\- I should think it most unlikely, sir.

\- If you meet her so often, well, have you tried saying nice things to her? I mean not about God's daisy chain and other dashed rot, but proper nice words. That you like and admire her and what have you? Compliments, you know, - I clicked my fingers.

\- One has to be careful with those, sir. But if my memory serves me, I have.

\- Or you could impress her with your intellectual abilities. Helping her out in some soup, what?

\- I have, sir. More than once.

\- My word! And even that didn't give her the idea?

\- I'm afraid it didn't, sir.

\- Well, this proves she must be blind!

\- It would seem so, sir.

\- Or incredibly inane.

\- As you wish, sir.

\- Or both.

\- Your powers of observation never cease to astound me, sir.

I looked into his eyes and this time I met some very rummy expression which I had not witnessed before. For a fraction of a second it would seem he was about to utter something and I froze for no reason at all. Finally he said in his calmest voice:

\- Will that be all, sir?

\- Yes, Jeeves, this will be all. Tomorrow's the big day. Hannibal ad portas, what?

\- Exactly, sir.

\- Good night, jeeves.

\- Good night, sir.

And he trickled out of the room.


	7. Chapter 7

*** 7 ****

The two-seater was moving smoothly through the pretty countryside, the sun was pouring its warmth on my face and the steering wheel. The landscape looked peaceful, but a bit boring if you ask me. I was alone and the scenery brought me into some philosophical mood. Well, I mean I was thinking about Jeeves, because 'philosophy' and 'Jeeves' were two words that just went together well. Or probably because I had been thinking of him all the bally time since I hit the road.

Tricky rummy thing, this love is. What makes a person choose another among hundreds of identical specimens? I mean, there was a host of upper class birds, and yet Jeeves being a shrewd judge of human character had still set his heart on one. What made her so special? What the deuce had she done? Maybe she was remarkably beautiful? But that simply couldn't be enough for Jeeves, what? Perhaps, she was able to provoke him intellectually? 'Unlike me', I thought to myself mournfully. For some reason the sun seemed to have lost its brightness. I mean, it was still shining, but in some specifically irritating way. And the scenery was no longer as fascinating as it used to be, with all this England's green and pleasant whatsit.

She had to be exceptional, some top-notch lady. Maybe, she was an aviator? A suffragist? A communist? Owned 50 cats? Had given all her money to charity? Could drink anyone under the table? Was a film actress? Belonged to a royal family? What illustrious deeds could she have performed to deserve him? I didn't ask myself what Jeeves had done, that was bally obvious, he didn't have to do anything being Jeeves after all.

Or maybe she was just a good selfless honest noble person? No, poppycock, she couldn't be ordinary! There had to be something striking about her, and it was rather rummy the world or yours truly hadn't heard anything of such a corking filly. Or perhaps I had? I nearly gasped. Or perhaps once I had even wanted to marry her? What if he'd helped ruin one of my marriages for his own reasons? I knitted my brows trying to remember some particular engagement destroyed with particular vehemence. No, he'd always shown enough vigour to help me escape this Hymeneal thingummy. But it was Jeeves, right? He wouldn't let his emotions show even if he was standing in front of his beloved.

The road now started winding across endless hills. There was a number of sharp turns, and I had to slow down a bit. At times I was passing through some herds of sheep that gawped at me with their usual expression you can often meet at the Drones at two ack emma.

Personally, deep inside I didn't like the idea of Jeeves being in love. This simply didn't suit him, if you catch my drift. Yet he said 'the word described it', which meant this wasn't some fleeting fancy. Why would he tell me about that at all? I say, he wasn't the kind of person who just blabs out such information, what? But he certainly didn't expect any help from yours truly. My hat, a few years! Perhaps all the time he'd spent in my employment.

Who-could-she-be-who-could-the-cussed-heartless-brainless-gal-be, this is what kept running through my head while I was passing through small villages and groves. As an experiment, I tried to visualise Jeeves with someone. I was extremely modest and imagined Jeeves taking some bird by the hand. Oddly enough, I didn't like that picture, definitely irksome! That seemed so untoward that I decided to think of a more innocent scene: Jeeves tending to this stranger, accompanying her, looking tenderly into her eyes, then leaning to kiss her lips... Gosh, it was so disgusting my stomach started to churn.

But Jeeves was a man and had to have some physical needs after all. I realised dashed well my train of thought was taking a wrong turning, but no one could witness that, what? I looked around nervously and only detected some sheep that appeared to be paying little heed. He was no spirit, he had a body, and did he ever feel lonely, if you get my meaning? Did he ever want to kiss or embrace someone or try some other things we mortals do? Well, other mortals, not me, obviously. Personally I'd been attacked by strange unkissable ladies on so many occasions that one could not be blamed for losing any interest in the activity. But Jeeves, perhaps he was cut out of a firmer material and just wouldn't let anyone fly at him. I hoped so, at least. No, he would play the leading part in this embracing and kissing business. Now it became bally obvious I was thinking about some wrong stuff, but I failed to dismiss it from my mind. And this improper stuff caused some improper reactions of this old Wooster corpus, which was merely a coincidence and definitely had nothing to do with Jeeves. I tried to concentrate on the road. Well, very picturesque, yes. Fields, and hedges. And more sheep. Now that I started to suspect Jeeves was not possibly made of stone, I couldn't grasp how he'd managed to restrain his tender pash for years. I mean, this t. p. must be quite a thing to last so long, especially when compared to those of my pals who weren't able to get through the day without finding the girl of their dreams. I started to ponder whether he would be overwhelmed with emotions when his femme fatale reciprocated. Or maybe even in the most tender moments he was able to control himself? Another field, wow. He must be an experienced kisser because if his competence reached unbelievable heights at, well, everything, then, well, he wouldn't have left this stone unturned, what? Well, sheep. The sky. Another hedge. How very interesting. Do not think about it.

My trip took a bit longer than I had originally intended. On the way to Bumpleigh Hall I was driving past a post office. I didn't know if there was one near the house, but something was telling me I would soon require their service, so I decided to send something to Jeeves just in case. Thus I dictated to the girl behind the counter:

JEEVES THE WEATHER IS GLORIOUS HERE YOU KNOW I SAW LOTS OF SHEEP (the post office employee gave out a strange noise) NOT SURE I WANT TO GET MARRIED

P.S. IS THIS GIRLIE YOU KNOW WHO WE WERE TALKING ABOUT HONORIA GLOSSOP HOPE NOT

I was just trying to eliminate the most horrible alternatives, you see.

In the next village I found another post office and thought it would be silly not to avail myself of this one, too.

THIS CECILIA BIRD I FEEL SHE IS NOT MY TYPE DEFINITELY NOT MCTOPPING

P.S. YOU SEE HOPE THAT IS NOT FLORENCE

I wasn't even surprised to discover another post office not three miles away. Royal Mail was doing its best and it was only reasonable to give them some more work. I remembered I'd forbidden Jeeves any sort of intervention and decided to be more eloquent to make him step in. Even if Aunt Agatha wasn't as pleased to see him as I was, he could still guide me via telegrams, what?

JEEVES YOU KNOW I AM ENGAGED NO IDEA HOW IT ALL HAPPENED WELL THIS CANNOT BE HELPED WHAT

P.S. IS IT BOBBIE WICKHAM

Well, an observant reader might have noticed my telegrams a touch forestalled the events, but experience was telling me my trip to Aunt Agatha would anyhow end up a betrothal, so it was just bally logical, saving some time and all that.

This was not the last settlement with a post office that I met before I reached my destination. I had never imagined there was such a bunch of post offices in the whole country, let alone that road! I haven't the foggiest who arranged all that, but he was a bright spark without a shadow of a doubt. The chap must have thought: 'This is the road leading to Bumpleigh Hall, so it has to be well-equipped for the doomed fellows'.

Like the road to hell is paved with good intentions, the way to Aunt Agatha was sensibly provided with post offices.

By and by, I sent him another few wires depicting my despair and asking about his mysterious stranger's name.

When I saw the silhouette of the house sharply defined against the bright sky, I felt an almost irresistible urge to turn the car round and fly the coop. I'm trying to say, this time the urge was even more powerful than ever before.

But one has to be a good nephew, overflowing with the milk of human kindness and simply bite the b., what? So I drove up to the entrance ready for whatever the future held for me. Well, so I thought.


End file.
